Why

Why




Holding onto memories,
dreaming of the past.
Wishing for a star to love,
but knowing it won't last.
I close my eyes,
and I think of you,
pretending you're still here.
Thinking of the times before,
we'd hold each other near.
I knew our dreams were different,
our roads were not the same.
Together we're two different lives,
caught in this shameless game.
You never knew what love was,
you never had the chance.
You never told me how you felt,
all you gave was just one glance.
And then I knew it ended,
I had to say good-bye,
But, I'll always ask the question,
that burns inside...
....Why?




Copyright © 1991 Imagination Station
Copyright © 2000 Scribbles 'N Scraps

My Mother, My Friend

My Mother, My Friend

I have never known a love before,
like I have found in you,
You're with me every single day,
with everything I say and do.
I wake up in the morning,
and think of you again,
I've come to realize in life,
you're more like my best friend.
You've taught me how to laugh and cry,
and how to simply smile.
You've given me a hope in life,
Standing beside me all the while.
You've put me first one hundred times,
I'm sure it's even more.
You've prayed and dreamed a thousand times,
I would get all I've ever wished for.
For this and many other times,
I'll thank you until the end,
Because you are not just my mom,
You are REALLY my best friend!

Copyright © 2004 Imagination Station
Copyright © 2004 Scribbles 'N Scraps

Don't Walk Out

March 19, 1993

"Don't Walk Out"

Staring at the bottles on the shelf,
I have to think of one more reason to go on.
The lights are turned down low, the music's up too high,
And the only thing I see is you and her.

I see you running back to a life of pain,
to something that only you could see.
I've tried so hard to turn your head,
but I got one night, and now I see you're gone.

Chorus:
Open your eyes and see,
I'm still standing with you,
She walked out once, but I'm still here,
Don't you walk out too.

Forever you're gone, together with her,
I stand and take a breath.
You smile at her, your eyes shining bright,
And she turns and walks away.

Chorus:
Open your eyes and see,
I'm still standing by you,
She walked out once, now I'm still here,
Don't you walk out too.

Jack's lookin' good, when I see you out on the floor,
holding her close to your heart.
This bottle of Vodka, I grip in my hand,
when I think of the love I lost long ago.

I remember a face filled with happiness and love,
But this Tequila will set me straight.
He looked into my eyes like you look into hers,
But at last he left me behind.

Chorus:
Open your eyes and see,
I'm standing here waiting for you.
He walked out, and I'm still here...
Don't you walk out too.

I see you bend down and kiss her good-night,
and one tear slowly forms in my eye.
Your eyes met mine, but you didn't blink,
And you headed straight for the door.

Chorus:
Please open your eyes and see,
I'm still standing with you.
Someday you'll open your eyes and you'll see,
I will never walk out on you.




Copyright © 1993 Imagination Station
Copyright © 2000 Scribbles 'N Scraps

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

"Actions speak louder than words"
Is what they always say.
But I've found throughout the years,
It's not just a cliché.
You held my hand when times were tough,
You kissed away the tears,
You hugged me close when I was scared
to help erase my fears.
You smiled at me when I was good,
frowned when I was bad,
You laughed each time I carried on,
And cried when I was sad.
It's with the actions I have grown,
We've learned from one another.
What I'm thankful for most of all,
Is for you, my dearest mother.

Copyright © 2004 Imagination Station
Copyright © 2004 Scribbles 'N Scraps

Loved By You

Loved By You

If I died today, I can honestly say,
I could go in peace.
If tomorrow never came, I can honestly say,
It would be the ultimate release.
If my yesterday's were all I knew, I can honestly say,
All I've ever needed,
I found here in you.
I know deep in my heart,
In this life, I was loved by you.
If my world falls apart, I can honestly say,
Everything will be okay.
If I had to cross a thousand sea's, I can honestly say,
I could do it with the greatest ease.
Because you are the treasure I'd longed to find.
You are with me day and night, always on my mind.
And I can honestly say, I know I'll always get through,
Because in my life, I was loved by you.

Copyright © 2003 Imagination Station
Copyright © 2003 Scribbles 'N Scraps

Death Is Not the Answer

Death Is Not The Answer




January 6, 1989

***Verse:
When life is down, and nothin' seems to matter,
Just grin and see that things will get better.
Life is a one way road, it won't get too bad,
Even if you find yourself, sad, depressed or mad.

***Chorus:
(OH----------)
Death is not the answer, death is not the key,
It can't open locked doors, Baby, can't you see?
Death is not the answer, Don't you see it's wrong?
Just turn around and show us that you can be strong.

***Verse:
If your best friend leaves you,
Just walks out and says good-bye.
Don't let it bother you, by asking yourself why.
If you haven't got a girlfriend,
Because she found somebody new.
Don't let her lies get you down,
She's not good enough for you.

***Verse:
If school's going badly, and you just found out you're fired,
Don't turn to alcohol or drugs, it won't help to get you
wired.
Don't let it get you down,
'Cause people have bad days.
Your life is always changing, in many different ways.

***Chorus:
Death is not the answer, death is not the key,
It can't unlock, locked doors, it can't set you free.
Death is not the answer, Don't you see it's not.
Death will hurt your family and friends, and it'll hurt me
a lot!
(OH---------)

***Bridge:
Death is not the answer (Oh No)
Death is not the key (It's locked)
It won't unlock, locked doors, (NO!)
Baby, can't you see? (I knocked)

Death (oh no) please don't go.
Death (won't help) Please stay here with me.
Death (No) Death (No, it's not a choice)
Please Stay with me....you'll see.




Copyright © 2004 Imagination Station
Copyright © 2004 Scribbles 'N Scraps

Lost & Found

"Lost and Found"

I was lost so long ago,
wandering lonely, searching.
I was grasping at every straw I could find.
To no avail.

I dreamed each night of you,
wondering where you were.
Awaking each morning feeling
even more lost than before.

Each time I reached out,
a tiny piece would fall,
I assembled my life puzzle,
still so very incomplete.

Holes everywhere,
empty corners of my life.
A lost soul, searching for
whatever will make her whole.

A glimmering piece fell into my hands
to almost complete the puzzle.
Shadows disappeared, fog was lifted
and suddenly, I was "found".

Copyright © 1998 Imagination Station
Copyright © 2000 Scribbles 'N Scraps

Little Girl

"Little Girl"

Lying alone, with my head on the phone,
I wait and wish that I could be with you once more.
I dream of yesterday, and the way it should be,
It hurts so much, straight to the core.

I'm just a little girl, trapped beneath the age of time,
All I need is you.
I'm in between a life of happiness, and one of desperation.

A protected heart was shielded against the pain,
but now it's time that I learn to let go.
I see the future in yesterday, and I dream of a time,
when our hearts met and eternity was within a grasp.

Look closely, into my eyes.
You will see forever, a time only we can know.
I am just trying to find you once again.
I'm just a little girl, needing you worse everyday.

All I need is you, a moment for our hearts to beat as one,
the way it was...one day.
Take my hand and we can run,
We can fly high above the clouds and drift to a distant memory.

I used to think I'd never have your love,
but now I know, I have it stronger in every way.
My life changes every moment, and I long to look into your eyes again.
Wrap myself in your heart and die peacefully.

I'm just a little girl, still longing for that time,
we shared once before....
only a moment in a lifetime,
and then it was torn away.

It's time that I figure out how to let go,
of a dream that cannot be.
And build on a future with tomorrow in sight.
I need to open my eyes, and realize I'm not just a little girl.

All I need is you...still.
That cannot change, no matter how I try.
I will hold onto the memory forever,
the memory of you and I.

Close your eyes and see our time,
I'm finally whole.
In your heart and in your soul.


Copyright © 2003 Imagination Station
Copyright © 2003 Scribbles 'N Scraps

Just One Wish...

If I had only one wish left...
in this cruel world of mine...
I'd wish for just one more day....
just one more .... with you.
The sun would shine,
the birds would sing, and I'd have my day with you.
Just one more ... a moment in time to cherish.
To spend eternity with a memory would be enough.
Needing only that one small precious dream.

Just one wish - just to be with you.
With you now, only for a moment if time will allow.
A time for me and you.
Just one wish left....is to be with you.
Wrapped up in the corners of your heart, just me and you.

Silently I wish upon a star, I fall to my knees in prayer,
Please give me what I need..... just one miracle, a moment in time.
Send her to me, for just a memory.
I need something to hold onto, a piece of her within me,
So I can live the rest of life, without her next to me.

Just a touch, a brief passing...to hold onto is all I ask.
I know I shouldn't need her, but I do.
Give her my heart to love, give her just one more moment with me.
Let her hold me and love me like she wants to.

Just one wish - just to be with you.
With you now, only for a moment if time will allow.
A time for me and you.
Just one wish left....is to be with you.
Wrapped up in the corners of your heart, just me and you.

I admit it, it could change me life forever,
but I'm willing to take that risk.
Please send her to me, let her stay by my side,
if only for just one day.


Copyright © 2003 Imagination Station
Copyright © 2003 Scribbles 'N Scraps

Tomorrow Was...

"Tomorrow Was...."

It seems that yesterday is just a memory,
and the promise of tomorrow will never come.
I dream of the way we're supposed to be,
and wander alone in the sun.

Once upon a time, and happily ever
do not exist in my darkened mind,
Because all that I have longed for,
is for our hearts to bind.

So long ago, when I was so new,
Our hearts were split at the seams,
Wanting something real to replace the tears,
And a chance once more to follow our dreams.

Missing each other, like rain on a cloudy night.
Each bold of lightening carrying us further apart.
Reaching into darkness, trying to find the light.
Searching for the answer, to open up our hearts.

Tomorrow was ..... simply just a moment,
and as we waited for it to pass,
I ask you now, reach out to me,
And forever we can last.


Copyright © 1993 Imagination Station
Copyright © 2000 Scribbles 'N Scraps

It's For The Best

"It's For the Best"

Dear Mother, or should I be so bold as to call you Mother,
When you never got to hold me in your arms.
Sweet little one, you gave your heart away.
So long ago, you didn't know,
They said it was the only way...

Dear mother, did you cry that night?
Tell me mother, did you try to fight them when they said,
This is the way it's got to be,
Just turn it loose and set it free,
Time will heal the pain you feel inside.

But here it is inside you know it well
The memories they haunt you still
A tiny part of your heart reserved
for a little one who never heard
How much you loved, how much you care
All of this seems to unfair...
You tell yourself to give it a rest
After all, they said it's for the best.

Dear mother, my parents raised me well and I love them
I guess it's just as well that I can't find you
but I still search, you mean that much to me
It's for the best they try to say
But that doesn't make it go away.

So dear mother, I guess you'll never know
How much I love you
How much I ache to show you that
I'm still the little one you left behind
It's not too late for us to find each other
Well, at least we could be friends.

And here it is inside I know it well
The truth you know it haunts me still
A tiny part of my heart reserved for the Mother who has never heard,
How much I love, how much I care
All of this seems so unfair...
But I won't give my search a rest,
After all, I know it's for the best.

Copyright © 1995 Imagination Station
Copyright © 2000 Scribbles 'N Scraps

Reluctant Daughter

"Reluctant Daughter" - Martina McBride

Jesus, tell my Father
I want to be His child again
Tell Him what my name is
In case He's forgotten

Tell Him I'm the woman
At the well
Drawing water
And I'm sorry if I've been His
Reluctant daughter

Jesus, tell my angels
To keep me in their prayers
Remind them how I need
To feel them everywhere

Tell 'em I'm ready to drink
Living water
I don't want my angels to think
I'm His
Reluctant daughter

Jesus, tell my Father
I want to come to heaven
Tell Him to shout my name out
So I won't be forgotten

Forever Questions

"Forever Questions"

Do you think of me my mother dear,
And how I may have fared?
Does it matter that I've lived,
Had I died, would you have cared?

Have you wondered just a little about
Your first, unwelcome child?
That perhaps you would have loved her,
Had you kept her for awhile?

And when they laid your next born babe,
Into your waiting arms,
Did they ache for me a little?
Did it matter I was gone?

Have you thought of me at all,
Since that long past fateful day?
When desperately, irrevocably,
You
gave me
Away.


Copyright © 1991 Imagination Station
Copyright © 2000 Scribbles 'N Scraps

Darkness...

I am baring my soul here. This poem was written during a particularly dark period of my life....be gentle.


Trapped in a darkened place,
quietly yearning for the desperation to release.
Blackness surrounds and yet...somewhere....light.
Grasping slowly as to unveil the truth behind the darkness..
Moving in shadows to complete the maze before me...
Unraveling the secrets of the life I live.
Fumbling I feel the walls that enclose me within...
Trying harder I begin to focus on the light, stumbling forward.
Finding still only darkness.
Black, smoky darkness.
Again, reaching out to find a hidden world....
Entering slowly, crossing into a dimly lit space.
Slowly I turn absorbing each aspect of this new found place.
Closer, only inches....the light is there.
I move forward to embrace the light ....
still I find only smoke.
Desperately chasing the smoke away.
I cling to the hope of the light ....
Of finding what I need......
And as the smoke begins to clear....
I see her....she stands before me.
A Shining Light.
Embodying everything.
The desperation dissolves and is replaced
by an envelope of warmth and love....
And so she stands for everything I have desired...
and never will she question the significance of her presence.
She stands. Waiting.
And I finally feel loved.



Copyright © 2000 Imagination Station
Copyright © 2000 Scribbles 'N Scraps

Chasing Rainbows

"Chasing Rainbows"

Chasing Rainbows, chasing dreams
Nothing is ever what it seems.
Above the rooftops and into the sky,
an evil deception, a trick of the eye.
Disappearing down out of the rain,
no two alike, no two the same.
An illusion, a spectrum of color and grace
standing in grandness, taking up space.
Traveling the colors, beginning to ascend,
Following contours, on the path to the end.


Copyright © 1995 Imagination Station
Copyright © 2000 Scribbles 'N Scraps

Please Remember...

Cyndi, this was the earlier one....enjoy! (didn't we always know?)



"Please Remember"

I sit here alone,
and wonder what went wrong...
I think of you and smile and remember when times were good.

Though it seems things are rough right now,
maybe through the tears and pain .... someday we will join again.

I hope you will remember me,
when we were there for each other,
when we spent hours together, and it was all we had.

I miss the way it was,
and it hurts so very bad.
And why cannot I just get back to that place again?

I just cannot say good-bye,
and walk away with only memories.
There's too much that still can be,
and I won't leave that all behind.

I hope you will remember....
the times we laughed and cried,
the times we shared our deepest secrets,
and the times we could have - again.

Only sadness comes from saying good-bye.
Only hurt and pain and that is just not how it should be.
We were meant to be,
and I cannot erase that time,
And our dreams are too strong to walk away.

Please remember.......


Copyright © 1994 Imagination Station
Copyright © 2000 Scribbles 'N Scraps

A Bundle of Joy

"A BUNDLE OF JOY"

Wow, we are going to be parents.
Scary yet exciting. Happy yet terrified.
Will I be a good mother, will he be a good father?
Will we provide for him the way that he needs?
I guess we don't know those answers, and we must learn,
to not dwell on those thoughts and feelings, we must be proud.
We are expecting, life's greatest joy,
A miracle, a bundle from Heaven, our baby boy.
With a mommy and a daddy who love him this much,
He will never starve for affection, he will never be alone.
He will be our pride and joy, and make our love grow stronger,
And keep us together, and make us realize,
we will love each other longer.
So, when this little bundle is born,
we have to close our eyes and pray,
And thank Heaven above for such a special gift,
Our new baby boy will be born today.

Copyright © 1994 Imagination Station
Copyright © 2000 Scribbles 'N Scraps

After the Rainbow

"After the Rainbow"
after the first contact when the "search" is over

Time goes by,
but nothing changes.
Love is present...
yet caution is always instilled.

Feelings get stronger,
our lives get closer.
Still unanswered questions remain
hidden in the depths of my heart.

And those answers
are behind closed doors.
Locked ...
tightly without a key.

I spend my times now,
searching still....
For that key to unlock,
the secrets in your heart.

You are a dream come true,
The bond we share is unconditional.
Yet, still a wall remains,
Slowly crumbling, but not yet fast enough.

Life holds pieces to put in the final puzzle,
but still there are the missing ones.
Lost for so long and yet still,
we hope to unravel the secrets
Until we have the completed puzzle.

Copyright © 1994 Imagination Station
Copyright © 2000 Scribbles 'N Scraps

Out There Somewhere

"Out There Somewhere"

Not so long ago, but almost too long,
I was given away, by the person who gave me life.
Two loving people wanted me and raised me.
I lived a happy life, but what about that one person?
The one that brought me into this world.
The one that said let me go.
Is she out there somewhere?
Does she still care, or did she never really anyway?
I am told that she did,
for she gave me the best life ...
But what about her life?
Did it really make it better?
Or somehow, was a piece of her taken 18 years ago.


Copyright © 1991 Imagination Station
Copyright © 2000 Scribbles 'N Scraps

An Adoptee - Seuss Style

“An Adoptee” (Seuss Style)

I’m not like him,
I’m not like her.
Where I’m from, I’m just not sure.

My eyes are blue and
theirs are brown,
What makes me smile, makes them frown.

My hair is blonde,
and theirs is not,
Their hair is thin, and I have a lot.

I like the dirt,
and they just don’t.
I like to play and they just won’t.

I’m not like dad,
I’m not like mom,
I just don’t see where I came from.

I like to paint,
and they like sports.
They like dresses,
but I like shorts.

I like outdoors,
They likes inside,
I like people,
They like to hide.

I like to go out,
and they like to stay in.
I can see clear, that we aren’t kin.

I am different,
I can see.
I am special, I am an adoptee.



Copyright © Imagination Station
Copyright © Scribbles 'N Scraps

Starting today...

I'm going to occasionally post poetry and songs that I've written. Now, some background...I typically write about my adoption. So even though sometimes you will wonder if I wrote something about someone else, those pieces are sometimes done about my biological family or adoptive family. I will try to say who or why they were written if I feel like it :) LOL Sorry don't want to give away all my secrets!

In My Daughter's Eyes

I love to write about my daughter. She's at that age where she says and does the funniest things. She's seven now. Her personality is amazingly just like her mother's and well even some of the quirks seem to be the same as well. (much to my dismay, but then my mother always said "paybacks were coming")

She is a beautiful little girl, and I am so incredibly blessed. I thank God daily for the richness and love she has brought into my life. But it wasn't always that way. Sure, I've always loved her since day 1, but recognizing it was an entirely different story.

Several years ago, I believe right before she was about to turn five, there was a moment in time, when I wasn't thanking anyone for her or my son or anyone else or anything else. It was a fleeting moment, but trust me, I felt as if nothing was right. However, in that moment, when life seemed so full of despair and stress, I received a reminder that would last indefinitley that "life goes on" and there's always more. (bad and good).

On a rather hectic day, with kids going nuts in the back seat, fighting with each other, I had made a wrong turn, low on gas, check engine light has come on for some mystery reason, I still have to stop at the grocery store and there was something else I was supposed to do while I was out and I cannot remember it and right about that very moment I feel as if i'm about to completely lose it. In fact, I think I was about to lose it. (possibly DID lose it - but don't worry, I got it back)

I decided to turn the radio up (my musical escape). My kids are used to this, they know it means Mommy's stressed and they accept it and are typically good as gold, uh nope not that day. They were arguing about something, and throwing a straw back and forth. I cannot count the number of times I asked them to stop, so I finally tried desperately to ignore them. So I'm driving along and I'm looking for the cheapeast gas prices, while simultansousely trying to remember what I had to do for my son's school project due the next day, "Nope not that station, too high", "nope not that one, way too many cars getting gas - ooh but their prices are so good". And as I pass the gas station, thinking that perhaps I probably should have stopped there, I realize that "crud I need to run by the post office and the bank", which only adds to my growing stress. Know why? Because the post office and bank were back the other direction!

Suddenly I hear my little girl from the back seat. "Mom I need to go to the bathroom." Did I happen to mention that I had just PASSED the gas station? Because now I am having visions of a wet back seat (I have leather seats - she cannot hold her urine very well, and she still can't and now she's seven), and although she's in a booster seat, UGH! So amongst frustration for her not telling me sooner (as if it was really her fault), I'm now just sick at the the thought of having to clean it all up, or looking for somewhere to turn around to get back fast before she does have an accident. Ok, that's it. I snapped back at her, and I asked her why she didn't go before we left the house. (NOW she has been diagnosed with a "bladder disorder" however at that point we were unaware of it (can you see where this is going!))

She responds with something, I hear her tiny voice, softly say something and I get frustrated because I can't hear her so I grudgingly turn the radio off completely and ask her "What?!?" which probably came out a bit too gruff, and I hear her say in her tiny soft voice, "It's ok mom, I'll try to hold it." I knew she couldn't, but she was trying to for me!

That was it. I was so close to tears, which is something I try hard not to do in front of the kids. In order for the kids not to hear, and to hopefully free my mind for a few moments, I turned the radio back up hoping against hope that it would be a song I could get lost in for just 2 minutes.

And what do I hear, "More Country Coming Up Next, a new one from Martina McBride". Now anyone who knows me, knows I absolutely LOVE Martina. She's in the top 3 (With Reba and LeAnn Rimes). I'm thinking cool, maybe they'll play something upbeat with a nice beat and quick tempo, 70% of her songs are like that. (you know I was looking for the song "Happy Girl" to come belting out or perhaps maybe "This One's For The Girls" - at that point her newest single) But what happened next I was a bit unprepared for.

This very slow meolodic song began, almost lullabye music. It was beautiful, but certainly not what I was hoping for when on the verge of a breakdown, I could almost feel the tears coming. Slow and stressed don't mix well for me. I didn't have much time to think about it though, because as soon as the words began, there was no more dry eyes for several minutes even aftewards.

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the
world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me
gives me strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes

The most beautiful part of all? When the song was finished, not only had I shed more tears than I had in a long time, but I had a total feeling of peace. That song was meant for me. It was a turning point in my relationship with my children. On a day when I needed it the most, at a time that I had lost most of my mind, Martina bellows out....

I realize what life is all about
It's hangin' on when your heart has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes

And that my dear readers, is the truth. She reminds me everyday of her love for me, and that there is just always more. (of course she's lucky she does because somedays I'd like to lock her in her room until she's 30!)

Hope you enjoyed the story. Be gentle. This happened several years ago, and my life has changed so much since then. "I've seen the light, and it's in my daughter's eyes" (and what beautiful eyes they truly are!)

Top 5

Ok, I had to do this too. It was a challenge on someone elses blog I came across and thought it was funny. However, it's all true - so buckle up and please don't be angry because I did it. I thought it might bring a chuckle from some other mom's!

Top 5 reasons why I am a great mother :

5. I let my children know every day how much I love them, and provide lots of hugs and cuddling time.
4. I am patient with them, and I am supportive of them, but I don't force them to continue with something just because they "signed up".
3. I read the same books, over and over, even though I'm tired of them. I also listen to long drawn out stories that might have only taken an adult 10 seconds to tell, but in actuality took about 10 minutes. LOL
2. I will provide for and protect them at ALL costs.
1. As they get older they will always know that NO MATTER WHAT, they can always come to me.

Top 5 reasons why someone may call CPS on me:

5. My son's first novelty t-shirt was from a trip to Hooters. (yes at only 3 months old!)
4. I've let them watch PG-13 and R rated movies and guess what *gasp* they aren't even 13 yet!!
3. I let them watch people play "fighting" video games (they just aren't allowed to play them yet!)
2. I let them watch as much TV as they want.
1. I don't restrict their sugar intake in a day - yep that means if they ask for 3 cookies, and then immediately ask for some candy, they usually get it. (aren't I horrible?!?!) :-)

Take care - until next time!! See ya here!
Nicole

100 Things About Me + 1

This girl is jumping on the 100's list!

Apparently there is a time-honored tradition among bloggers of creating a "100 Things About Me" list. When I first saw it, I thought what the heck? A little egocentric if I must say.

However, the more I blogged and viewed other's blogs the more I noticed the trend, and thought, hmmm... I could do one of those, plus they are very entertaining to read. So as my second post on this blog, I've taken the plunge.

Side Note: I have to add - I thought this excercise would be easy, ha! After quickly getting about 50 things on my list, the serious soul searching began. Woo - talk about some serious brain excercise.

These are not in any particular order however I have rearranged a bunch of stuff. Here is my list of 100 things about me.

100 Things About Nicole + 1

1. I'm a 32 year old single mother.
2. I have two children, a girl (7) and boy (11)
3. I live in O'Fallon, Missouri which is a suburban area inside St.Charles, which is the second largest city in the St. Louis Metropolitan Area.
4. Although born in Houston, Texas I am a Missouri Native (because of adoption)
5. I am an August baby, making me a Virgo. Not just that, but my mother has told me that I act like a Virgo. What does that mean? Primary Characteristics: Creative, Helpful, Loyal Positive Personality Traits: Intelligent and analytical, Meticulous and reliable, Modest and shy, Practical and diligent Dangers: Can be fussy and a worrier, Can be a perfectionist and conservative, Sometimes overcritical and harsh. Yeppers that's me! LOL
6. I have four blogs - one on writing, one on business, one on scrapbooking, and one on being frugal! I'm also paid by someone to do their blog :)
7. I’ll do most anything on a dare! (or anything once - within reason here people)
8. I love to use exclamation marks!!!!
9. I also love to use caps and "" and () to capture points and occasionally I have to go back and edit because it's so much LOL
10. I’m an adult living with ADHD and it's noticeable most of the time.
11. I am also self-diagnosed (my bio. mom has it and she IS diagnosed) both bi-polar and manic depressive, but most people do not know this about me.
12. I play the piano fairly well.
13. I am a freelance writer, and am just finally starting to really see my stuff in print!
14. My favorite place in my house is the kitchen because it's where my computer sits, on the built in desk and I eat in here!
15. I absolutely LOVE to cook, and many of my closest friends and family members do not know this.
16. I have been divorced for 5 1/2 years and still consider it the best decision I ever made. He's happier and so am I!
17. MY other two "babies" are my Border Collie Mix (Bandit) and my ferret (Mocha)
18. People seem to love to give me plants as gifts, and without fail I nearly kill them all (I do have an aloe plant and another green thing I love that I've managed to keep alive) Let's not talk about the CACTUS I managed to kill. A Cactus? Who kills a cactus?
19. My hometown is St. Louis, Missouri, although I was born in Houston, Texas
20. I am adopted, that's why I was born in Houston but called Missouri home.
21. Because I was adopted, I am lucky enough to have great relationships with both mother's!
22. I grew up with only 1 sibling (a brother), but in the past 9 years now have 8 (5 sisters - 3 brothers) YIKES!!
23. I have lived in 6 states, 14 Cities or Towns, and moved 18 times since I was 18 years old and we are not a military family!)
24. I love to scrapbook
25. I've been scrapbooking for over 16 years!
26. The car registration on my car has been expired for 4 months and my best friend is a cop!
27. When I was growing up, a family vacation consisted of getting in the car and driving to a dog show.
28. We used to have 5 Newfoundlands (huge black adorable dogs) at one time, and 3 were shown regularly at dog shows, which is why we always went to them.
29. I've been to Egypt. Spent three weeks there and would love the opportunity to go back.
30. I like to eat dinner at 5pm on the nose. (I could probably even eat at 4:30!)
31. I've had breakfast in paris. (albeit it was in a very "orange" airport on a 3 hour layover. But hey it was a coffee and croissant!
32. I am an Arctophile also known as an arctophilist and have what is known as arctophilia all over my house.
33. I've been in love so much it hurts.
34. I know several famous people - Kevin Kline, Scott Foley (Felicity & Scrubs), Scott Adderton (lesser known director), Michael Renna (who played a "Cadet" in Child's Play 3 however he actually went to Kemper Military School where that film was taped. Kemper closed it's doors in 2002.
35. I'ma gadget geek.
36. My favorite possession is probably my computer.
37. If children WERE possessions they would be my favorites instead.
38. I secretly really want an Ipod and nobody around me knows it.
39. I absotely love to read and I stay up most nights reading novels, or writing my own.
40. I still get carded to buy alcohol or cigarettes (I guess that's a compliment but it's annoying)
41. I don't drink but once a year.
42. I sucked my thumb until I was 12.
43. I adore Country Music
44. I'd love to sing a country song on stage one day.
45. I also love Christian Contemporary Music.
46. Michael W. Smith has been my favorite singer since I was 10.
47. My favorite author's have styles that aren't very similar to my own.
48. They are Sue Grafton, the now deceased VC Andrews (not the ghost writer), Torey Hayden, Nicholas Sparks & LaVyrle Spencer.
49. My favorite books have no plot at all.
50. That's because I really like "How To" Books and Education.
51. I will be a student for life, I love to learn.
52. My first computer had a tape deck for cartridges.
53. It was a Radio Shack TRS-80.
54. My second computer was an Apple2E Computer.
55. It had REAL floppy disks.
56. I actually loved playing games on that TRS-80
57. I've been on the Internet since 1993!
58. I was the owner of one of the first FOUR mailing list groups ever. Long before they were "popular".
59. I wear contacts.
60. I used to wear glasses.
61. If I didn't wear anything, I'd be too blind to drive my car.
62. If there was anyone I've ever known that I could have lunch with right now, it would be my grandma.
63. I can't because she died several years ago. I miss her a lot!
64. Until I was about 12 I dressed my cat up in doll clothes.
65. My cat didn't like me too much.
66. I collect all kinds of stuff. See #36
67. I love to organize, but few know this.
68. I am the most creative person I know.
69. I have about 45 notebooks on a shelf that are filled with lists, story ideas, poems, quotes, greeting card prose, and just ramblings.
70. When I was 16 I wrote my own quote, and then had it copyrighted.
71. I have a HUGE ugly brownish binder filled with probably 500+poems on everything from paper scraps to fully typed pages.
72. I hate to talk on the phone.
73. I have a love/hate relationship with caller id (on one hand it's great 'cause it tells me who's calling, but it usually tells me that I don't want to talk to whoever is calling)
74. I love to get mail, but hate to get email.
75. I absolutely despise the creator of the "Forward" button on email services.
76. Yet, sometimes I use it.
77. I'm a huge Law and Order SVU fan
78. I have the biggest crush int he world on Elliot Stabler (Christopher Meloni)
79. All through high-school I was heavy into drama.
80. The kind that's in the theater department!
81. When I get mad, sad, scared, fall in love, fall out of love, happy, or just about any other emotion, I hit the CDs
82. I am a huge music fan - love all types - country, christian, soft rock, jazz, classical.
83. I cry when I'm sad, scared, confused, tired and angry.
84. In high school we took a personality test and I was diagnsed "ultra-sensitive" and "highly empathetic".
85. I rarely wear make up.
86. I love being outside. Even in the winter. (there's just not much to do)
87. My favorite season is fall.
88. I'm addicted to diet coke, usually diet coke with lemon.
89. I'm a McDonalds addict, but I also love subs.
90. I type between 75-85 wpm depending on the keyboard in use.
91. The best job I've ever had in my life was being a mother.
92. I own over 300 DVDs and 200 CDs and have about 1000 songs on my computer.
93. I'm fundamentally rather frugal
94. I have an IQ that reaches the genius field though only a select few know this about me.
95. I want to write a book someday. I have about 8 books started. I would love to write fiction for ages 15-18 range.
96. I'm a huge Harry Potter fan.
97. I "work" from home. I use the term "work" very loosely.
98. I have a fear of heights.
99. I drive a Ford Explorer and aside from it not being "big enough" I absolutely love it!
100. I believe that when Jesus said, "Judge not lest ye be judged," he meant it.
101. This has to be the hardest thing I've ever written.

Excercise of the Day:
Review the Days Events. Write about them in your own words. Paraphrase, give commentary.

First post...just because

I absolutely love to write. I've been writing ever since I could. I remember as a child, writing stories, poems, letters. In fact, every holiday or birthday, I think my gift consisted of some written word (some completely unintelligible blabber) but nonetheless, I was writing.

I’d have to say the most I write is typically poetry, but certainly not because that’s the way I want it. But it’s always been an outlet for me. I guess it’s a way to get the thoughts and feelings out, without necessarily sharing them with anyone. I often share my poetry with others, however have of late, shied away from it somewhat. Again, not necessarily because I don’t want to share, but my standards of whom I share with have raised slightly.

Lately I’ve been writing a lot. Mostly articles, however I’ve also had some fun with blogs (I have four); and poetry of course. I began freelance writing back in 1995, and was published a few times. A couple of anthologies picked me up and published me (a great honor), as well as the one really nice thing I will always remember my ex husband for. He bragged about a poem I had written about the Oklahoma City Bombing and wound up getting it published for me. It was an honor to see my work in print, and really felt good. Again, this was back in 1995. Now it’s 2005 and I am still trudging along.

So many people have told me in my life, that I should be a writer. I know my mother has supported me from the very start. I remember my high school English teacher telling me I “had what it took”. Why didn’t I ever listen? I find myself 32 years old and not living out my dream.

I’ve contemplated why. Trying to discover within myself, what stops me. Is it because of rejection? Is it because I am sharing a piece of my soul, I might otherwise have left untouched? Do I feel I am not good enough? Do I not have enough support? Have I not prayed enough about it. Honestly I guess I’ve thought on all those things, and really, praying is the only answer.

The paths I’ve taken over the years, have almost always directly, or indirectly led me to write in some form. Not that I’m complaining since I love to write and probably type upwards of 80 wpm. But I am not interested in typing up someone’s papers; I am really not interested in newsletters and journal types. Really, I just want to write – you know – some earth shattering, soul bearing article.

I know in time it will come. It’s about the faith. And I have it. As I close my eyes each night, I will remember to ask God for direction down this path I want to take. I will ask that He take my hand and lead me in the right direction. And I will know, that if I am meant to be a writer, I will be.

Excercise of the Day:
Close your eyes and try to clear you mind. I know it's hard. Open word pad or your notebook or whatever you write with, and just start writing for ten minutes. Write everything and anything that comes to mind. Sentences do not/should not be complete in some cases. Just ramble. On and on - it's not supposed to make sense. Now, do this everyday for the rest of your life. This is such a great way to get story ideas and your own points of view.